The Content of Cognition

Where The F have I been!?

Camille — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:44:33 +0000

Sooooo as you can see I haven’t posted in some time now… I’ve been completely overwhelmed with my oh so chaotic life! Between work, kids, hubby, other family issues, and now school it seems like I have to steal a free minute to myself and then try not and feel guilty about it! I have actually been able to go out for one nite 2 weeks in a row! WHAT! That’s amazing that has to be some sort of record for me and having a social life in the last 6 months LOL. Seriously, sorry for the neglect to my loyal readers, I’m here now… Don’t know for how long but at least I’m here now. Ok, so all in the world of Cam 1st thing is 1st… My job is what consumes me from 8a-430p. It’s not a very stressing job, it’s just the incompetency of my tenants and some business owners really gets under my skin! I’m actually at work posting now, instead of doing this wonderful pile of work on my desk… The joys of having my own office. Don’t get me wrong, I do my work… I just save all the boring tedious stuff until Friday. You also have my home life which is a 24/7 job regardless of where I am! That’s 3 kids, a future husband, 2 cats and a house I can’t wait to move out of and into a bigger and better one. That is my 1st full-time job keeping all of those people happy! It is very hard to do and I often don’t keep them all happy. Sorry, that’s life you can’t always get everything you want when you want it! School is the biggest headache I’ve added to my life! As if my grandmother being sick and my mother being “mentally” sick are not enough of a headache on me and more stress than one needs I decided to through something else on my plate! I’m telling you I’m just genius… I’m sorry but I should’ve been finished school, and no time is better than the present to start. Yeah, I started late but so the f what, at least I’m doing it. And, this time I’m going to stick with it all the way through no matter what. No taking breaks, no dropping classes nothing. Now, the one thing I don’t like is the particular program I’m in takes almost 2 years to complete soooo I’m going to try to take more classes later down the line to shorten that timeframe up… Hopefully life will have calmed down a tad bit so I can do that. School wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t have the instructor from hell!! I’m currently taking 2 classes at a time, one a class that actually matters and another is a class that you’re just supposed to take because the school says so… Anywho, the class that it supposed to be hard I’m carrying a A in and the easy simple class this bitch is giving me a D in… How the hell is that possible? The world may never know! It’s fucking my overall GPA and the chick is really pissing me off! But, I’ve remained professional (which is hard as shit for me to do when I’m pissed) and I’ve realized you know what just get the damn class over and done with! Even if that means completing it was a D… Which really really really is gonna kill my GPA… Something I’m just going to have to move on and deal with… In the meantime, I’ll continue to do my best in that class and she’s just going to continue being a miserable lonely bitch… I really feel like she’s just over qualified to teach that particular course, which is a compliment to her actually… It’s like she’s making a basic simple easy A class like as hard as psychology or something… Maybe she needs attention… She must not realize, she got the right one cuz I’ll give her all the attention she needs! And, I’m just getting started! I find that some instructors are just really really full of themselves and have this high mighty attitude, and it takes someone like me to come along and chop them back down to size… I believe I’m doing just that and if my classmates, and other faculty members continue to be my allies than this is a simple walk in the park for little all Cam! I’ve already submitted a formal complaint about this chick and copy and pasted every single conversation we’ve had back and forth since day 1… I felt like my first faculty ally couldn’t do what I wanted so I took this ball game to a higher playing field… Let’s see the results I get this time, shall we… Anywho, now you know what has been consuming my time and energy these days. Sorry this post was all over the place but aren’t my post usually? School is the beginning of this years milestone and added stress next is: WEDDING PLANNING!!!!! yeahhhhh….. not so yeahhhhh actually… LLS

Thanks for reading… Leave comments down there… Don’t forget you can always send questions and topics to imjustcam.wordpress@yahoo.com and I’ll respond to it at http://imjustcam.wordpress.com if you want to remain anonymous mention that in the email please and thank you!

2011 in review

Camille — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:50:11 +0000

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,200 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Denial

Camille — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:14:31 +0000

So, I may be in denial about a few things going on in my life. Hey, I may possibly even be in denial about a few things when it comes to me as a person. I think almost everyone can admit that. If not to others, at least to themselves. Well, I was asked something yesterday and I don’t have the slightest clue what is soooo interesting and scary about this question. “What does Camille do for Camille?”, meaning do I pat myself on the back when I accomplish something? Do I treat/reward myself when I do a good job? And, no one has ever asked me that before. I was told to think about it, and it seems like ever since that question has been asked to me, that’s all that has been on my mind. My immediate thought was to go home and write about. But, I couldn’t write, right away because I hadn’t completely gathered my thought process and because I just didn’t have urge to write just yet. When I finally had enough thought together to write and let everything spill out of me, it was already 1am and I knew that it was going to be a draining ordeal to truly answer this question for myself so I’ve put it off until this evening. But, even as I sit at work it’s a question that has stayed on my mind all day long. To many this question is so insignificant, and you probably can’t imagine why something so little is on my mind. And, I know why it is, that’s why I want to write a journal entry about it. See it isn’t the question that is so fascinating to me, no it’s my answer to this question. An answer that is to personal for me to share with my blog world. An answer that has made me realize some truths about myself. An answer that I’ve probably known my entire life, but I was simply in DENIAL to accept. So, I’ve done what I usually do, push it to the back of my mind and leave it there until I’ve completely forgotten about it. And, for some reason I can’t seem to get it back into that little room and close that door. I had an eye-opening session last nite, it was supposed to be only for an hour but it winded up being for 2 hours (glad my insurance is billed and not me! LOL). But, that 2 hours was everything to me. A lot of realizations of myself came out that I was unaware of. Actually not even a lot, just 1 profound thing that I hadn’t even realized about myself. Last night’s session was a life changing session, or the start of one I should say… Can’t wait to talk about it in tonight’s session but on a different level… I’ve said enough but maybe, just maybe when I feel comfortable enough I might be able to explain why this was such a profound moment for me. Until then…

I am no writer

Camille — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 20:41:19 +0000

Nor have I ever claimed to be a writer. a poet. artistic. creative. or anything of the sort. The only thing I’ve claimed to be is talkative and that’s why I blog. Not because I think I have some sort of “talent” the world needs to know about. No, that’s actually not the case. I don’t even think my story is that different from many others that’s why I’m in no big rush to share it with the world. Another reason is because I don’t even know where my story ends or where it begins. And, has it quite ended yet? I don’t think it has. No, not yet. As I’ve said before, there’s a whole lot for me to still learn. But, nonetheless I’m still writing more story and one day I will share it with the world. But, not through blog sorry I’m gonna publish that one make me a little bit of chump change off of that… maybe… lol. No clear thought process so I’m going to end this entry until I have one…

Scatter-Brained

Camille — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:34:01 +0000

So, I’m in a blogging mood… but, I’m also not… My brain is all over the place right now so this post will probably be also. Why is my brain all over the place? Because, I am ridiculously overwhelmed and I feel like my head is about to explode… There’s always something out of my control going on in my life. Then there are things that are in my control that I just have to have patience to change. But, I am a very impatient person. Ha, maybe I should make that a goal for next year, along with stop worrying. You know being impatient and worrying is what always sends me over the deep end. It’s what makes me crash and burn. Along with biting off more than I can chew. My grandmother is almost constantly on my mind. And, I feel guilty saying almost because she isn’t always on my mind, but there’s so much on my mind, not one individual thing can consume my entire focus. My kids are almost always on my mind, but not anything you probably would think. More so of the transition and things going on at home. And, being able to be the mother to them that I didn’t get to have but the mother that they also need… Then Marc getting his life in order is on my mind… Why? Because he is the man I’m going to marry his life and my life will soon be “Our” lives so I want to make sure most of his ish is in order. But yet, I can’t forget that my life isn’t quite in order either, that’s why I want to wait. We both have some things we need to handle before we commit to this union… Than, it’s the whole marriage business that’s overwhelming. The transition, the planning, the announcing, the EVERYTHING! It’s overwhelming! Some days I really wanna say F it, let’s just got to city hall but other days it’s like no I want a wedding… Lets not forget my mom, she’s actually not on my mind as often as she probably should be. But, I put her on a shelf in the back of my mind and said “She’s grown, you can’t do anything for her except provide positive and honest support.” So, that’s exactly what I do. I feel like my brain is constantly jogging so much that one day it’s going to drop one of the balls and then what? I’m afraid to find out. Plus, the holidays are coming up, and to be honest I’m not in a Christmas spirit at all. I’m not a Grinch, I’m just not feeling Christmasy… I’m realizing how much money I’m spending this year on Christmas alone and it gives me a migraine almost instantly. Oh, and the whole planning of Christmas, where are we going, how do I tell other people I won’t be showing up, Money to spend to travel, etc. Just so damn overwhelming! Then I almost always feel alone. I feel like I have to plan and figure and do everything. Because, if I leave to Marc, or the kids Dad, or anyone else for that matter it won’t get done or it won’t get done right. I should start leaving things up to other people to plan so that way when the ball is dropped it’s not on me and people aren’t looking at me all disappointed… Ha, that might be exactly what I do… And, my everyday stressors? MONEY! Isn’t that almost everyone’s everyday stressors? Do I make enough to support the lifestyle I’m aiming for, do my kids want or more importantly NEED for anything… am I ready for a rainy day? Bills, suck and I’m actually sooo tired of paying them but who isn’t? Who likes working to make money to simply hand it over to someone else? I know I don’t… It’s not fun at all. And, that’s almost where I feel most alone at. I lose sleep over this stuff. I get migraines over this bullshit. What’s the point of being in a “partnership”, cause that’s all marriage is, is a partnership honestly. It’s 2 people merging to become 1. And, I don’t want to be in the partner of this deal doing everything. I want us to have 50/50 ownership of this crap, and it’s SOOOOOOOOO not there yet… I guess I need to start holding people accountable for certain things… You know what I’m tired of doing? I’m tired of working on a single person/single parent terms. And, what I mean is when it comes to the household, I still function like it’s just me. I still figure out what bills I’ll pay when and what can get put off. I still figure out what our schedules are going to be and how we’re going to stick to them. It’s like yeah he’s there but he’s not at the same time… I see when I vent to an imaginary audience my mind clears and I’m able to actually gather thoughts and action plans from simply venting in this way… My migraine is now gone BUT how soon will it return? It’s like I know the simple little things I need to go about and do now… Ha, thank you to the readers I do have…

I CHEATED!!

Camille — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 19:59:50 +0000

On Mike… Sorry, cheating on Marc is no where in the forecast EVER…

So, I was re-reading some of my old blogs and I realized that hmm now I must clear up somethings. Now, it’s not that I wasn’t being honest with my readers or anything like that. It’s just that at the time of the events I wasn’t blogging. Ok, so first things first, I’m sure you’ve read in a previous blog or 2 (to lazy to link which blogs) that I NEVER cheated on Mike. And, once I accepted our title I remained faithful. Now, I can finally elaborate on that. Ok, so Mike came home July 30 2010 We didn’t become an OFFICIAL couple in my eyes until sometime after Thanksgiving.. Or was it thanksgiving? Who knows that’s not the point. Anywho, Mike was under the impression that I had already established in my head once he came that I was with him. NOPPERS I’m sorry I assume NOTHING. So, unless HE says we’re together, I will continue to act single. Soooo, that’s in fact what I did. I continued to be a single person. I still went on dates, n had “sleep-overs” and ish like that… He never asked me when did I start being faithful. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, to be faithful to a person you have to be WITH that person. And, if you’re not WITH that person you’re technically not cheating, right? Ok, so that clears that up. So, when did I cheat on him? Haha… Ok , so Mike and me broke up in May right? RIGHT. So, my little situation happened on May 17th, that Sunday I cheated on Mike with Marc. Weird right? But, I don’t remember ANY of it! Apparently Sunday nite my brother and a few friends wanted to take me out to get my mind off things. So, I went out and got ridiculously f’d up! I remember dropping people off at home, I remember driving to Marc’s house, I remember walking up his front steps, I remember walking into his room, I remember undressing and that’s it! I don’t remember anything else… Now, what makes this even more funnier is when I woke up! So, when I’m at home I sleep with my glasses and cell phone under my pillow. Papi, decided to call me Monday morning for whatever reason. I wake up and hear my phone ringing so I reach under my pillow to grab my phone and realize it’s not there. So now I have to open my eyes and find it on the floor. The minute I opened my eyes was the same second I answered my phone. My mind was saying “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!!” and my mouth was saying “Hello”. I think Papi could tell something wasn’t right so he said he’d call me back in 10 minutes. I hung up, looked at Marc, realized I was naked and popped up out that bed so damn fast! I think that’s the fastest I ever got dressed. I got up out that house and headed home where I could get some answers. I left so abruptly that Marc thought I was upset with him. I was pissed with myself actually. Monday nite I have a clear mind and clear thoughts and I think hmm if I can cheat on Mike drunk am I capable of cheating on him sober? And, if I am, that simply means I don’t need to be with him. So, I call Marc and arrange another rendezvous. and, guess what? I did it without a care in the world, an ounce of remorse or anything… I realized if I’m able to cheat and not feel guilty about it than I’m lacking something in my relationship that I obviously need. So, Wednesday nite I say to Mike I was “thinking” we shouldn’t be together anymore, but I don’t tell him why. He says, “I was thinking the same thing.” WTF WOW! Except his reasoning was simply because he was a weak individual and could not stand by me during my time of need and I around for him for how long? Anywho, neither here nor there. Marc winded up picking up right where he left off in my life and Mike sometimes pops in my head… It’s funny how that works. Marc is on my mind daily and when I get home I can’t wait to see him like I didn’t just leave him that morning. Will that feeling last forever? I hope so…

Shut Up…

Camille — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:54:37 +0000

I talk absolutely positively wayyyyy too much! And, I have no clue why! I love to talk, I love to read, I love to write, I love to blog… Where did this come from? Did I wake up one day and say “hmm, I want the world to know my every thought!” No of course not. I’ve always had the NEED to say exactly what’s on my mind. Now, how it may come across has ALWAYS been the problem. See I’m a logical thinker and a realist… I believe in realistic scenarios and fair outcomes. I’m all about equality, I’ve been that way since I was a kid… The sad thing is I have a lot of good ideas, experiences, wisdom, knowledge, whatever you want to call it, I have it. I just need to find the proper channel to expressing it. Growing up my outlets was simply talking I wasn’t much of a writer yet. As I got older technology changed, my first outlet for saying what was on my mind other than word of mouth was on MySpace! I had a blog on there of course and it actually was read often. That later turned into more of an online journal and my way of expressing my feelings to certain people in my life, hmm bad idea! Next of course came Facebook, it started out as a “notes” section. I quickly turned that into my own personal blog section and AGAIN began to abuse it. So, I stopped doing that. Now, I have this lovely blog and I abuse it in such a good way! This is my outlet. I know what to say and not to say on here, now what you may determine or feel shouldn’t be said on here is on you. This is my blog and my thoughts therefore I will do things how I WANT TO DO THEM. This is one of the few things in my life I have complete control over. So, I do what I want and usually, actually never have to hear anyones lip about it. When I post of Facebook and Twitter I ALWAYS have to hear about it and that’s actually annoying as hell. The thing is, I don’t know how to shut up… I don’t know how to censor myself. And, I don’t care what you think but I like that quality about myself, it’s almost child like. I get mad when people correct children for being flat-out honest. They’re kids, and they’re simply doing what we’ve always told them to do “tell the truth”. See, my Facebook name had “The Truth” in it, and I feel as though I earned that name not because of some sexual mess NO I earned that name because it’s me! I speak simply the truth. No sugar-coating. No bullshitting. Nothing of the sort. You ask me something advice wise, or just in general conversation and I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear. I’m going to give you my honest opinion and I will not hold back. I’m me, flat-out, take it or leave it. And, if you’re gonna complain about me and my ways I prefer if you leave it… Hmm so there you have, and no I won’t STFU until I’m dead…

You want to be treated like a Man

Camille — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:45:15 +0000

Than act like one…

Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none. ~William Shakespeare

The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out. ~Thomas Babington Macaulay

Stand on your own 2 feet
Only person you should “expect” to help you is God, and he doesn’t even help you until you’re willing to help yourself!
Acknowledge and accept your weaknesses
Correct and learn from your weaknesses
Never live in the past
Accept that it is your fault and no one elses. Own up to it!
Always set goals for yourself and at least attempt to accomplish all of them
Admit when you need help and accept it when it’s given
Accept constructive criticism
Don’t cry and complain about everything
Know that you are not always right
Do the “manly” expected things in your household
Treasure the life you have and be grateful for it
In relationships: Be the boyfriend/husband you would love to see your daughter with
In life: Be the type of man you would be proud your son turned into
A man knows that chivalry is not dead
A man is a protector
A man is a provider
A man can apologize when necessary or simply to end an argument
A man doesn’t point out everything he has accomplished
A man knows how to KEEP his woman happy
A man knows that he is a King and should be treated as one, by his Queen
A MAN KNOWS HOW TO SURVIVE…

…Probably wouldn’t hurt if a few females learned this too… If they learned this and accepted this, maybe we wouldn’t have these nothing ass men running around thinking that they are being grown men… Not male bashing, simply talking…

Moving Forward

Camille — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 16:48:47 +0000

The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it.

Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.

One reason God created time was so that there would be a place to bury the failures of the past.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.

Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past are certain to miss the present and future.

I guess you can get my point with all the quotes about the past. I guess at the end of the day what I want EVERYONE to take away from this post is simply that the past is the past. Don’t dwell on it. Don’t allow for it to consume you. It will do negative things to you, without you even realizing it. Move forward in life, that is all you can do. Moving backwards gets you absolutely no where and is a waste of time and energy. Something we all don’t have enough of to spare. From this point on in life I’m moving forward. I’m leaving past drama, in the past. I’m leaving past negative experience, in the past. I’m leaving everything from that past that I’ve allowed to affect my present self, in the past. Why keep holding on to that? Who can live like that? Who can focus and move thru life happily like that? I know I can’t, so I won’t… I invite you to come along on this moving forward journey. If you were rich in the past and are broke now, SO WHAT! It’s the past, learn the lesson you needed to learn from the experience and move on! If you were skinny and sexy in the past and now you’re not, SO WHAT! It’s the past, learn the lesson you needed to learn from the experience and move on! If you had it all, everything you ever wanted and needed and now you don’t, SO WHAT!! IT’S THE PAST, LEARN THE LESSON YOU NEEDED TO LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE AND MOVE ON!! Nothing and no one is holding you back, only you! You’re getting in your own way, so move out the way! I had to learn this lesson and I”m still learning it. Don’t take nothing for granted! Every life experience good, bad, ugly, etc. is a lesson for you to learn and move on from it. Don’t keep trying to relive the past, or fix the past no. Go back to those same quotes I started with and REALLY read them and take them in. Do what you need to do to your present self on a daily basis that will make you happy and feel accomplished. So, when you do linger the past you can be happy with what you remember. And, moving forward can only get better…

Nothing Special

Camille — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 02:09:18 +0000

Normally when I blog I have a specific topic I want to speak on. I have a million and one thoughts running through my head. I have to plan a wedding, MY WEDDING it’s still unbelievable to me. But, that’s in due time. Until then we’re learning to merge 2 lives into 1 and not losing ourselves in the process… it’s funny how you think you can have everything all planned out in your life and God goes NOOOOPPPPPEEEEEE I have something totally different in store for you. Y’all know my favorite line, “Everything is in divine order”, and my life is proof of this. But, hey there’s still a lot that has to be done in my life. But, I’m excited and anxious as usual. I’m trying not to be but WHO WOULDN’T! My life’s purpose, my destiny, my true GREAT self is emerging and unfolding DAILY. Yeah, I’ve had a hiccup here and there but that’s just me learning… old habits die hard, right? Going to continue to work on self, and better myself for the sake of everything positive in my life. And, I’ll continue to allow everything to fall into its proper place. Deuces…