Love

The key to eternal true love and happiness? Marry your best friend… Best advice EVER! So, I got drunk dialed last nite and I actually am glad that I did. Weird of me I know. Truth be told A LOT of truths came out. Some I already knew, some kind of shocking to find out. Why am I soooo lost about love? You have to love all the good things of someone and all of the bad things, to truly love them. And, it’s hard to love the bad things. Especially when I keep my bad things so secretive. You shouldn’t have to make love happen, it’s suppose to JUST HAPPEN. Anywho, back to this drunk dial. Everyone knows I don’t Love deep anymore, I don’t Love hard. I barely do anything to show love. To me Love is a verb and I do not show the action of Love. But, this Sgt guy yea… whoa… I don’t know how to place it with him. I really like this guy. F that, I REALLY LOVE THIS GUY. Yea whatever so what I love everyone yea yea yea I know. But, it’s that bite my bottom lip on the side when I think about him love. That I can’t stand to leave him and can’t stand being without him love. I love the time we spend together love. I love that he’s my twin. What do I mean? Me and Sgt Young have the same birthday. I can’t speak on how we met but it’s truly a story to tell. One time about 3 years ago I was going to be “Done” with Sgt because I thought I had found the love of my life. And, when I told my Cosen she looked and me and said “What if he’s the one?” 3 years ago I considered it but my life was soooo chaotic it’s ridiculous. I was having an affair with a married man who lived a double life with me and I was “ok” with it. Was I really? No I was pissed I was mad that this person had known me for soooo many years and watched me grow and actually has had a hand in my growing process and choose someone else to be his wife. But, I was glad to have anytime spent with this person. But, a blog about Stephen aka Tony will be for another day. This is about Sgt. Ha funny detail Tony is the reason why I met Sgt and he hates it. lol. Anywho, like I said really chaotic. I was sleeping with some other married man off and on, and then I had a man living with me. Eventually got pregnant by this man and had my beautiful Jazz but yet again another story for another day. Point being it was too much going on and I was to young and immature to understand that whole “The One” thing. So I didn’t put much more thought to it and focused on Lamont. Then one day I get a call from Sgt after I so-called cut him off and he says, “I’m sitting on the bus, looking at my Mom through the window waving goodbye.” No hello, No how are you, No nothing just that. And, I say “Why?” He says, “Because, I’m leaving to go to Iraq.” I was shell-shocked, why? Why? Why if I didn’t love him or care? Why if I had “written him off”? Why if I was so head over heels for Lamont? Why did it hit me? Why did it hurt? Why was my 1st thought OMG if anything happens to him no one in his family knows me or anything about me, so how will I know he’s ok? How will I know he’s alive? WHY THE FUCK DID I CARE? And, that’s when I realized WOW he is special to me. We only spoke for maybe 5 minutes if that. I was afraid to tell him I was pregnant by my “roommate’. So, I simply ended the call with be safe and please keep in touch when you can. So, during this year or maybe it was 18 months but during his time away he would e-mail when he could and call when he could. And, I liked it. I fell in love with this man probably 3 years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest child and didn’t even realize it until last nite. Sgt said, why don’t you Love me Camille? I was instantly pissed! I’m like what are you serious? You don’t understand how much I do love you. I love you so much that I cut dudes off when you come in town. I love you so much I shuts everything down for you even if you’re only home for the weekend. I love you so much I give you my undivided attention when you’re around. I love you so much that I’ve NEVER done any of thee above for anyone else. I love you so much that I refuse to hurt you. I refuse for you to see me for who and what I really am. Yeah, I’m writing this like I’m talking to him. I love you so much that I only pray that you don’t love me as much as I love you because I’m just not the one for you. You’re a 30-year-old man, never been married, no kids, loving, caring, and a fucking MAN. A real man like wow they still make these kind of men, MAN. He’s such a good man and I’m sooo not the one for him and I know it. And, it hurts me to actually know this because he doesn’t see what I see. He NEEDS a wife, someone to give him some babies lol. I say that with a smile because I mean it. I’m done making babies I’m 26 with 3 kids 8, 6 n 3. and I love, LOVE my kids to death. Yes, they all have different dads so the fuck what. They’re mine and I do what I do to make them happy. And, I make sure they want for nothing. I’ve never been married. And, I change men like lightbulbs every 6-8 months. IF THAT LONG. But, you see how we don’t match up? Yesterday, while he was sober he looked at me and said, “Why do you even like me? I sometimes wonder if you really like me or do you just tolerate me.” Now I was shocked for 2 reasons 1-WOW here’s that little glimpse of him, his true him, that I rarely see SOBER 2-WOW WOW does he really have to question why I like him and if it’s real. I “Like” him because he’s what I’ve NEVER had. Stability. He doesn’t see it because he’s worried about that whole bad boy persona that he thinks I’m so into. Thing is I’m a bad girl and I know it. But, I don’t necessarily like the bad boy, that’s just what I attract for some reason. I like the good guys with a lil umph to them. And, that’s what he is. He’s everything I never had. He has no background. He has no “street life” stories to tell. He can hold an intellectual conversation and know what the fuck Uncle D is talking about when they have a conversation. He gives me that wink from across the room, and everyone knows that melts hearts! Ummhuh there’s so much more. Thing is Sgt Young IS the one for me, I’m just not the one for him… And, I Love this man so much that I’m willing to acknowledge this and accept this before he can even realize it. I’m willing to already know that this will last for however long it lasts before he finds the one for him. And, then I’m willing to watch him walk away and start a life with his one… that’s how much I love this man. He’s my Rodney to my Rosa… My Johnny to my Elma… My Galo to my Gladys… They had to let their loves go and continue to live life and now I will do the same…

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