I’m still afraid of the dark…

on

I am not as strong as I try or even appear to be. I still break down and cry. I still make major mistakes and errors. And, what makes it so sad is that they’re the same mistakes and errors I’ve been making for nearly the past 10 years. Why? I know the outcome each and every time so wtf is the problem? I decided today to start this book about my life. I’ve been saying for 3 years now, that I’m going to start a book. And, just after finishing the introduction and nearly halfway thru the 1st page of my 1st chapter, I break down. Me and my mother don’t have the best relationship. We never really have. But my first chapter is about her. And, I haven’t spoken to my mother in months now. It’s best that way honestly. But, I broke down crying so hard it’s ridiculous. I haven’t cried this good in sooooo long. I like to cry it helps me clear my mind. He helps me gather my thoughts. He helps me get everything I’m feeling out. I miss my mom. I miss her dearly. I also miss the mom I remember as a child. She hasn’t been that person in a very long time. She feels like she’s failed me. I don’t know how to make her feel otherwise. I honestly don’t know how a person feels when they’ve failed someone. But, while writing this chapter I get to a sensitive part and I could already feel something in me wanting to cry. I didn’t know that writing a book about my own life was going to be so hard. I didn’t realize it was going to bring up such ugly memories. But, as I’m finding the words to write this sensitive part a song my mother use to listen to on repeat comes on. Regina Belle, if I could. I cried soooo hard. I had to record a part and text it to Robin because I know she’s the only other person that knows how I’m feeling right at the moment. I’m tired. I’m sooo tired. I shouldn’t be this tired at 26. I should be happy and vibrant and striving. But, I’m so tired. So tired that I want to quit and give up most days. It’s so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. It’s so hard to do daily things like simply cleaning my house. I’m tired. I’m tired of being the only one that cares. I’m tired of being the only one doing. I’m the only one paying bills. I’m the only one trying to make this life a little easier. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else and no one worrying about me. I’m tired of always being there for everyone else and no one is ever there for me. I’m tired. I can’t keep going on. Not like this. I’m so unhappy it’s ridiculous and you would never know it from the outside looking in. I’m about to make some major decisions, and I hope it’ll be to make life easier. I hope that some people don’t wind up hating me in the end. But, at this point I don’t want to care. I feel like it’s me against the world so I have to start doing things to make my life easier. I was doing things by putting my children’s best interest first but it’s draining me. I have to think practical now. I have to learn to be modest. I have to do things simple for once….

Advertisements

One Comment Add yours

  1. Jess says:

    You know what? God loves you and will bring you through this.
    Just pray, He’ll help you through everything.
    I used to be suicidal, but God helped me push through it. Just rember He loves, and cares for you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s