Infatuation or Love…?

Define: Infatuation- An object of exaggerated short-lived passion.

Define: Love- A strong positive emotion of regard and affection.

My mind is thinking a million things right now. There are so many different points I want to make in this. I hope I get them all out. And, I must state YES he is the reason for this. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I know I’ve loved before but I’ve never loved whole heartedly. I don’t want to be hurt. Who does? I can make myself and others believe that I’m “happily ever after”. I’ve crafted this act. But, it’s pretty hard to fool yourself when you really know the truth.

Whenever I was in this fooling myself business, I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t real. That’s why I’m writing this. Is this feeling for him real or fake? I’m pretty good at this fooling business. So, good that I am now doubting myself… I’ve heard so many different quotes about love. The one I keep thinking of is this:

“Marry someone you cannot live without.”

YES, THE M BOMB! And, so soon!! I hate expectations, I really do! I hate being a girl and thinking this way sometimes. Why am I even… (I just had a random thought process moment and if it wasn’t after 3am I’d call him right this second and point it out)… If I could live without him it’d be because I’m forcing myself to.

But, deep down inside I know this is real to me. This is new to me. And, that I can’t live without him. No one has honestly ever made me feel this way. I’m not exaggerating my feelings for once. I’m being completely honest with myself and you. I’m not pretending or fooling myself. There has got to be some test I can do to prove this to myself. I’m getting ahead of myself, back to this “Why am I even…” statement. Why am I even thinking about marriage? Why does everyone around me keep thinking it and saying it? I feel like even speaking on it is jinxing it. We can’t even be honest with each other and realize how serious we’ve already gotten. Do we honestly think not putting a title on this is going to keep things safe?
Yes, I want him and a title but am I getting ahead of myself? Do I really want or have the time and energy for the responsibilities  of being a REAL girlfriend? Maybe somewhere along this bettering myself  bit I’ll find out. I think I have to learn how to love myself. I don’t think I’ve ever known how. How do you learn how to do such a thing? Weirdest part, one of my most favorite quotes is:

“Love yourself first and most…”

I have to do that. I’m sure someone tried to teach me along the way but is it something taught, learned or just known? I hope I teach my kids if it is something taught. Especially my girls…. I’m getting away from the topic. Do I love him or is this infatuation? Is there a way to know the difference when you’re going through it and not after…? What’s the saying:

“Hindsight is 20/20…”

Yeah, well I don’t want to find out that way. I need to know now. I need to know if this is the beginning or makings of my TRUE happily ever after…


***Sidenote~this is a post I had originally written earlier this week but I’m just getting a chance to finally post.***


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