Pause and Play

I feel like my life is on pause right now, but it’s still playing. Does that make any sense? It’s like I’m waiting for something to happen, but what? I keep thinking of the freaking saying (yeah, I know, me and my sayings) but it’s:

“To get something different do something different.”

Or, something along those lines. You get the point. Everything that can go wrong has been going wrong. I know what I have to do but i don’t know how to execute the plan. Christmas is about to suck ass. And, I get that it’s not about the gifts and stuff but tell my kids that. Tell my family that. Man, tell Sgt. that. No one other than my girls and the immediate family around me know I’m broke as shit. so, now everyone is expecting me to pull this rabbit out my hat, that I just can’t do. And, then trying to balance all I have to do to get my life back in order and Sgt; It’s getting hard. It’s like do I decide to have an OK Christmas or find a way to pay rent? And, both isn’t an option. I don’t know how this is all about to play out and I’m afraid. I need to get up early tomorrow morning and start figuring something out. I’m tired of constantly finding myself at this same place. I’m tired of looking for the quick fix. I have to learn that there isn’t one. Maybe that’s it… I’m just a week and a half shy of my 27th birthday and I’m realizing this… My epiphany moment hmm FINALLY! I need to start working hard to really get what I want. No half assing it no more. I think I’ll start tomorrow. I need to get on top of this shit. I need to pray on this. Ask for a miracle and some more ish. And, this not having a computer mess is REALLY killing me. I have to do things the old fashion way. I wish (I could stop wishing) I could start my entire life all over… But, doesn’t everyone wish that at some point or another? I need to get up and do something with myself because this living on pause while my life is still on play is about to become a serious reality. One that I’m afraid to face; And, is to far gone to avoid…

***Sidenote~this is a post I had originally written earlier this week but I’m just getting a chance to finally post. And, yes, this is one of those post I’m afraid to post at first because it’s hard for me to let folks know what’s REALLY going on in my life and mind.***

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