Am I What I am?

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“I am what I am…”

I’m starting to think I am an alcoholic. My mom is an alcoholic. Her parents were alcoholics. And, I’m pretty sure their parents were. But, I don’t know much of that side of my family. My Dads side WOW they’re a bunch of social and functional alcoholics. Now as for my grandparents on both sides, they’re from a different time. They’re from a time where a simple rum and coke is just that, a simple rum and coke. A time where you drank to socialize and unwind. Not get wasted. Why do I think I’m an alcoholic? It’s not simply because I come from a line of them; But I’m sure that has something to do with it as well. To understand what I’m about to get into I must rewind and fill you into more than my families dynamics. I’ve been drinking since I can remember. There’s always been some form of alcohol in my household since I can remember. So, it’s never been like it wasn’t accessible. I never had to sneak and drink because no one would even notice the difference. I’ve never drank to socialize or unwind. I’ve always drank to get wasted. It didn’t matter with who or where or when. Why am I speaking past tense? Because, I’m referring to my heavier drinking days. I have several stories to recant. Some I do and some I don’t. What finally made me stop drinking hard liquor? October 18th, 2008. Mi’Kai’s 7th birthday. He had no birthday because I was to hung over to move. I wasn’t even with him. I already feel like shit about it so don’t judge me. The night before I got drunk out my mind. There’s even a story to tell, but I won’t. The fact that I single-handedly ruined my son’s 7th birthday didn’t even phase me. That’s not even what rocked my world and it should have been. What finally did it for me? Robin looked me in my eyes that night and said “You remind me of Mami when you drink.” That single statement made a huge difference in my life. So, from that day I stopped drinking. I think that lasted a month or two. Then I went to OK I won’t drink hard liquor just wine. That lasted maybe 2 or 3 months. Then it was I won’t drink hard liquor but I’ll drink fruity drinks. And, I’ve maintained that for sometime now. But, occasionally I’ll have a rum and coke or some other hard liquor with juice or soda. I do it when I have no other options as far as alcohol goes. So, why am I stumbling and rumbling before even getting to my point? Cuz while writing this I’m sipping on crown royal and ginger ale. While making my drink I have a brief thought that hmm I think I have a problem… Guess it was thought-provoking enough to write about and figure it out. I don’t drink to socialize. I don’t drink to unwind. I drink because it’s there. I drink to get drunk. I drink to have no inhibitions. I drink to have no conscious. I know that’s all the wrong reasons to drink but I do… I’m going to test myself in January. I’m going to go 30 days without drinking. I don’t want to say “try” because I’ve always felt “To try is to fail.” And, I’m hoping that this 30 days of sobriety won’t kill me. I think if at any point it gets hard then it must be true, I am what I am…

written December 13th 2010

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. peripheralities says:

    This is personal and inspiring, in an odd way. You don’t make some profound moral statement of philosophical epiphany, but the way you’ve written has some meaning. It must be a hard struggle within yourself, no doubt; and as cheesy as this sounds, you should know there are many other people who have and are going through the same thing.
    You know, a friend of mine once told me about how his mom was verbally abusive to him. He became depressed, and once his mom realized what she had caused, they went to see a counselor. Her dad was abusive; she had grown up subconsciously thinking that was normal, not realizing the damage she was doing. Months of counseling later, my friend has a healthy relationship with his mother. Her genes may have been tainted, and she easily could have passed that down even further. But someone has to break that line. If anything, stop for your son; not that you will have other days you regret later but rather that you don’t have a life to regret later. If you have enough determination, anything is possible; I hope you have the strength to do it.

    1. Camille says:

      Thank you and I hope I do as well…

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