Confused to say the least


written 12/26/10

Ok, so now I’m a bit confused. I just got finished having a 40 minute convo with Mike. I wasn’t completely into the convo like I usually am but I was into it enough. So, last nite while driving home I recorded a 15 minute rant about our relationship. And, one of the main points I continued to emphasis is that we are not an item and that we have no titles. I was quite clear about that. So, why am I confused? Well, during this 40 minute convo I said to Mike “So, what did your girlfriend get you for Christmas?” Now, I was being quite serious and I was referring to his Germany girlfriend. I call her this because in my book they are still a couple. He still has conversations with her. Nothing is wrong with that if they were just friends. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings so he hasn’t quite told her he’s done with her. And, honestly that hurts like shit because in his book her feelings are more important than mine. Because, if they weren’t he’d care more about how I felt and not her. But, they still carry on as if they’re still together even though she’s in Germany and he’s in Maryland. Why do I care if she’s so far away? Because feelings are invested and here it is I’ve shut out the world to show that I’m fully committed to this and he can’t even turn away this girl and keep it as a friendship. I’d be fine with that. I honestly would. But, anyway back to this convo. Now, when I asked this girlfriend question he then named the things I got him for christmas. So, I then said “Oh, that’s what I got you and I’m not your girlfriend.” Yet again I’m being dead serious and he then says “Oh, I’m sorry can you put my girlfriend on the phone please.” Ummmmmmm, when did this happen? When did we put a title on this? When did I become the girlfriend? I remember a conversation had recently when we agreed to be monogamous to one another but that was it. And, I remember thinking why are we being monogamous if we’re not together. So, from that convo did he get we’re together? Because, I definitely didn’t. As long as I continue to keep nobodys out of my life I can continue to be faithful to him without a title. I’m afraid of this girlfriend ish and monogamous ish I can’t even lie. Only because I have no trust in him. His past behavior has shown me that when temptation presents itself he acts on it. And, I’m referring to that whole “If he cheats with you he’ll cheat on you” theory. I can be faithful to him because I’ve been waiting for him. I don’t think the same goes for him. I feel as though he has past girlfriends here that he wants to screw again or even try a relationship again. And, I want him to be free to do just that. I don’t want to be hurt or set myself up for it. So, I’d rather keep it title free until I feel like he can be trusted. Ugh, am I being insecure? Am I afraid that he’d gong to do to me what I’ve done for years? YUP!! And, that’s exactly what I get. I have a guilty conscience and I think it shows… I’m afraid he’s my karma for my past wrong doings and I’m not ready to be hurt or want to be hurt. But, who does? This being hurt business is really going to leave me a lonely woman. I have to be hurt eventually and learn that it’s just a part of life. At 27 I think it may be a little to late for me to learn that lesson.

Ok, so now after typing this I see my theory was just retarded. Who decides to be faithful to someone without being with them? Admitting and committing to being faithful is basically me signing, sealing and delivering the title of girlfriend and boyfriend. But, you see how this double standard ish works? A man can spend his free time with a woman, only have a sexual relationship with that woman BUT they are not in a committed relationship until HE says so. So, she can continue to think and act as if that’s her man but if he’s not backing the statement up then it’s not true. But, run the same scenario down and the man is saying yes that’s my woman and the girl is saying no that’s not my man, most folks aren’t paying her any mind. They’re siding with him because THE MAN has the finally say so… Or, so they think…


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