Scatter-Brained

on

So, I’m in a blogging mood… but, I’m also not… My brain is all over the place right now so this post will probably be also. Why is my brain all over the place? Because, I am ridiculously overwhelmed and I feel like my head is about to explode… There’s always something out of my control going on in my life. Then there are things that are in my control that I just have to have patience to change. But, I am a very impatient person. Ha, maybe I should make that a goal for next year, along with stop worrying. You know being impatient and worrying is what always sends me over the deep end. It’s what makes me crash and burn. Along with biting off more than I can chew. My grandmother is almost constantly on my mind. And, I feel guilty saying almost because she isn’t always on my mind, but there’s so much on my mind, not one individual thing can consume my entire focus. My kids are almost always on my mind, but not anything you probably would think. More so of the transition and things going on at home. And, being able to be the mother to them that I didn’t get to have but the mother that they also need… Then Marc getting his life in order is on my mind… Why? Because he is the man I’m going to marry his life and my life will soon be “Our” lives so I want to make sure most of his ish is in order. But yet, I can’t forget that my life isn’t quite in order either, that’s why I want to wait. We both have some things we need to handle before we commit to this union… Than, it’s the whole marriage business that’s overwhelming. The transition, the planning, the announcing, the EVERYTHING! It’s overwhelming! Some days I really wanna say F it, let’s just got to city hall but other days it’s like no I want a wedding… Lets not forget my mom, she’s actually not on my mind as often as she probably should be. But, I put her on a shelf in the back of my mind and said “She’s grown, you can’t do anything for her except provide positive and honest support.” So, that’s exactly what I do. I feel like my brain is constantly jogging so much that one day it’s going to drop one of the balls and then what? I’m afraid to find out. Plus, the holidays are coming up, and to be honest I’m not in a Christmas spirit at all. I’m not a Grinch, I’m just not feeling Christmasy… I’m realizing how much money I’m spending this year on Christmas alone and it gives me a migraine almost instantly. Oh, and the whole planning of Christmas, where are we going, how do I tell other people I won’t be showing up, Money to spend to travel, etc. Just so damn overwhelming! Then I almost always feel alone. I feel like I have to plan and figure and do everything. Because, if I leave to Marc, or the kids Dad, or anyone else for that matter it won’t get done or it won’t get done right. I should start leaving things up to other people to plan so that way when the ball is dropped it’s not on me and people aren’t looking at me all disappointed… Ha, that might be exactly what I do… And, my everyday stressors? MONEY! Isn’t that almost everyone’s everyday stressors? Do I make enough to support the lifestyle I’m aiming for, do my kids want or more importantly NEED for anything… am I ready for a rainy day? Bills, suck and I’m actually sooo tired of paying them but who isn’t? Who likes working to make money to simply hand it over to someone else? I know I don’t… It’s not fun at all. And, that’s almost where I feel most alone at. I lose sleep over this stuff. I get migraines over this bullshit. What’s the point of being in a “partnership”, cause that’s all marriage is, is a partnership honestly. It’s 2 people merging to become 1. And, I don’t want to be in the partner of this deal doing everything. I want us to have 50/50 ownership of this crap, and it’s SOOOOOOOOO not there yet… I guess I need to start holding people accountable for certain things… You know what I’m tired of doing? I’m tired of working on a single person/single parent terms. And, what I mean is when it comes to the household, I still function like it’s just me. I still figure out what bills I’ll pay when and what can get put off. I still figure out what our schedules are going to be and how we’re going to stick to them. It’s like yeah he’s there but he’s not at the same time… I see when I vent to an imaginary audience my mind clears and I’m able to actually gather thoughts and action plans from simply venting in this way… My migraine is now gone BUT how soon will it return? It’s like I know the simple little things I need to go about and do now… Ha, thank you to the readers I do have…

Thanks for reading… Leave comments down there… Don’t forget you can always send questions and topics to imjustcam.wordpress@yahoo.com and I’ll respond to it at https://imjustcam.wordpress.com if you want to remain anonymous mention that in the email please and thank you!

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