A lesson I’ve yet to learn

1.) The demonstration of love or great care.
2.) Feeling or showing deference and respect.
3.) The successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.

For 28 years this way of speaking to others has been beaten into my brain. 2 years after her death I still hear her voice and her words in my head, often. I hope to someday leave the same impact and legacy on others; but, I’ll never get there if I don’t learn the simplest lessons she taught me.

They say the tongue is a powerful weapon, and being of Soto & Elutil blood this could not be truer for me. I learned a very long time ago that I could speak unhealable wounds and prided myself on it. Now at 30 when I do so, it doesn’t quite leave me with a satisfied feeling. No, it leaves me feeling disgusted with myself. It leaves me feeling lower than dirt. The same feeling I just made this person feel, I’m feeling 3x harder. Why is that? How all of sudden after all these years of riding on a high I once felt before, from spitting venom into someone’s heart, I now feel so little and ugly by these actions? I like to think that when she left us, she left a part of her spirit within me and that is her spirit feeling disgusted by my actions.

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I’ve realized that when someone hurts my feelings my first instinct is to retaliate and speak every ungodly thing that comes to mind. Speak what I know will get under their skin, course thru their veins and put hurt and pain in their heart and mind. Speak so harsh that weeks and month from that moment the mere mention of my name will remind them that those wounds have still not healed.
I don’t like, not being liked. Even if I’ve given someone a reason to, I don’t like that feeling. I actually hate it… But it’s like there’s a constant war of good and evil going on within in me and sometimes, most times, evil wins… I don’t like it and these days I feel like a puppet on strings being controlled by it… How can 3 words have such an impact on me? “loving respectable communication” is it the message or the messenger that has impacted me?

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. tom ford says:

    Have you ever love any man you was in a realtionship without pretending?

    1. Camille says:

      1.) This question has nothing to do with this post 2.) I have loved without pretending but I’ve also confused infatuation with love and normally don’t realize it until down the line… 3.) Do you love who you’re with? Or, better yet are you in love with them? If not, doesn’t that mean you’re just pretending and going through the motions?…

    2. Camille says:

      For the record I even love a man that I’ve never been in a relationship with… Can’t have him, never will, so where’s that leave me? To be grateful for what I do have and appreciate it as I can…

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