Seriously, in today’s day and age what is really “to much information”? Sometimes, I want to get on my blog and just say EVERYTHING that is running through my head. But, I can’t… I have other people’s feelings and situations to consider. Is that fair that I can’t express what’s going on in my life because I value the privacy of others involved?
So, first order of business… Screw privacy, this is my blog. I’m not going to be on any type of “kiss & tell” business. Just know that I can be without dropping names. Only those close to me will probably know who or what I’m referring to.
Second order of business, don’t come here to gain information on me. Which I know is exactly why some of my visitors are here. I don’t write these blogs just so you have something to read to catch up on me. No, I write these posts in this blog to share my life and my thoughts. I’m tired of censoring myself for others not to have information on me and that ends today.
Third order of business, be patient. I post when I can and lately I’ll probably post more than usual. I’ve got several different situations going on and a lot of them are brand new to me so I’ll most likely be coming here to vent and wrap my head around things.
Finally, the real reason you’re here… I’ve had A LOT of breakups in my life, A LOT. I say that but I need everyone to understand, a break up has NEVER been hard for me. It’s freeing and I feel so much better when I’m single. This most recent breakup is like no other. Me and this man have literally been in this “relationship” for 8 years and have only had 1 major shake up that should of ended us but didn’t. Understand when I say relationship, we’ve never committed to each other outside of the context of boyfriend/girlfriend #2. What really should have ended us was when he started dating his now wife. Or even better, when I started a “committed” relationship outside of us, is what should have ended us. But, with us nope that just meant finding a different way of doing things.
Do you understand how hard it is to share a part of your life with someone for 8 years, while still living this “illusion” of a life to everyone else? He’s been my best friend, my wisdom giver, my lover, my rock, my back bone and my open book for 8 years! After all this time, he knows his presence is irreplaceable. I’ve been trying to figure out why none of my past relationships worked and how could they if every man I’ve had, I’ve compared to him? My past is my past, and if you ask me why I held on to him for 8 years my only answer is because I love him, not loved. My only response is because he knows me like no other man and I know no other man like him. If you ask me why I allowed this to carry on for so long knowing this is all that it could be, my response would be simply because I thought my life couldn’t afford the lack of his presence. I remember 8 years later the first time he ever called my desk and left a message saying to have her call back her “future husband”. How funny is that now 8 years later, now knowing the truth?
People always try and portray the “mistress” as this woman with low self esteem, desperate, messy, etc. And, this was not the case at all. I know I have several soul mates in my life. My best friend and Sister Monica has traveled with me through my lives and she is one of my soul mates. My son Mi’Kai’s presence has been in my life since before he was even born. My sister Robin has always been someone I’ve cared for, and she follows my spirit. And, my 8 year long dance, we’ve missed each other again this lifetime…
Now, don’t think I was out to end his marriage, quite opposite, I want his marriage to work more than he’ll ever know. I wanted his marriage to work because to me that truly meant that he was “That Man”… Was I waiting for him? No, I was waiting for the lesson to be learned and I still haven’t quite gotten it. Are we completely done? I pray so… I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. He embodies everything I want a man to be about. Definition please? Well, because of him I’m attracted to not just Dad’s but Great Dads and Single Dads period. He’s attentive and I don’t mean sexually. No he genuinely cares in other area of my life, as I do him. If I was dating or dealing with someone that wasn’t up to par, he had no problem with telling me. All and all he was a good man and I don’t mean to me, I mean as a man in general, he IS a good man. How can I say that knowing what we’ve done and who we’ve deceived during this “thing”? Because, just like EVERYONE else, he’s got his shit and he’s only human. Am I stuck on the whole “grass is greener on the other side”? Absolutely not, obviously I know enough about him after all these years to know he’s just like everyone else and has his skeletons.
This is the only breakup that has been hard for me and that’s only because I’m not just losing a lover. Lovers can be replaced as long as the love is there. But, best friends cannot be replaced. Connections like this, cannot be replaced. Soul mates, cannot be replaced. That is what makes this so much harder. I just keep thinking of all that I have to look forward to. What’s that? No longer wondering: what happens if his wife finds out? What happens if my significant other find out? How much longer are we going to do this? How much further are we going to push our limits? What exactly are we trying to gain here? We weren’t trying to gain anything, we just enjoyed the escape we gave to each other…
So, I’ll be here focusing on my “person of interest” while not feeling guilty because for once in the last 8 years, someone is FINALLY getting a fair shot and my full attention. Do I think there’s something there with this guy? Actually, don’t know and don’t care. I know his presence and our relationship doesn’t make me feel guilty about anything. I enjoy what we have, even if this is all that there is. Not having a guilty conscious means everything to me these days.
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